It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel sad.  All flickers of hope have vanished.  I’m talking of course, of Heidi Montag’s misguided step in eloping with Spencer Pratt.  Don’t get me wrong … The Hills is way more amusing with Spencer attached than without, but if he is even 40% as much of an a’hole in “real” life as he is on that sham of a show, girl is in for a world of hurt.  Lonely, desperate, co-dependent hurt.  Mazel tov!

I’m so shellshocked by this turn of events that I’ve crafted this week’s Tuesday Ten in their “honor.”  Toxins and reality shows go hand in hand, so it’s no wonder that it was exceedingly easy to find ten toxic reality show couples.

1. Colin and Christie, The Amazing Race: Season 5.  Damn, a couple more disturbing to watch on film than Speidi.  Colin was impatient, unloving, wicked unkind, possibly racist, and almost certainly violent behind the scenes (allegedly).  He also never owned his bullsh*t.  And Christie stood by and took his slings and arrows, allthewhile maintaining her love for this c*cksucker.  Colin did give us one of the best quotes of the series, claiming “My ox is broken!” when dealing with a frustrating livestock-related challenge.  The two married and reportedly had a child.  Meh.

2. Jeff and Vicki, Celebrity Rehab.  Oh, Kenickie.  Jeff Conaway is now in his second stint at Dr. Drew-led Celebrity Rehab, battling addictions to painkillers, cocaine, and alcohol.  His fellow druggie, girlfriend Vicki, has a penchant for both star-f*cking and bad lipstick.  SHE has now joined him in rehab, conveniently.  They enjoy making out, threatening each other with murder, and crying.  Love is a beautiful thing.  Tell me more, tell me more.

3. Spencer and Heidi, The Hills. Heidi was always sort of an a**hole, but Spencer is the arsenic to her innocent cup of tea.  He’s driven away her family, her friends, and placed her faux-”job” in jeopardy.  Plus, he has a puffy face and bad facial hair, to boot.  But she has bad fake eyelashes and a terrible bleach job.  So they deserve each other.  Actually, they may be the most wonderfully matched couple in the history of L-O-V-E.

4. Johnny Fairplay and Michelle Deighton, Camp Reality (together); Survivor and America’s Next Top Model (separately).  Johnny was on The Howard Stern Show months ago and told a simply precious tale of how an eight-months pregnant Michelle introduced a third party (a woman) to their bed.  How freaking cute.  And I want to hear from that woman.

5. Amaya and Colin, Real World: Hawaii. Back before America’s moral fiber deteriorated entirely and The Real World seasons became an indistinguishable mess of hot tubs, body shots, and drunken rantings, it was actually unusual to see housemates hook up.  Amaya and Colin were the first to break the mold.  First it was sweet, as Colin courted sorority-girl Amaya.  Then it turned pathetic as he gained the upper hand and she begged for some bed time.  In the blink of an eye, Colin went from dorky show-reject to buff player-hater.

Colin (Far Left), Amaya (Left)

6. Byron Velvick and Mary Delgado, The Bachelor: Season 6.  The only couple on the list to have a documented case of actual violence.  The “nontraditonally aged” Mary had her heart broken by Bachelor Bob (douchebag), only to win the heart of Bryron two seasons later.  The pair got engaged, but late last year, Mary was arrested for allegedly punching her betrothed in the mouth.  Recent reports indicate, however, that the happy couple is still together.  More power to ‘em.

7. Adrianne and Chris, The Surreal Life/My Fair Brady.  Now … I love both of these jerk-offs.  She’s a blue-collar model that doesn’t put up with any bullsh*t, and he’s a child star that managed to avoid the trappings of fame and made a nice life for himself outside the spotlight.  Their flirtation on The Surreal Life was sweet to watch.  But Adrianne’s crush turned to pathetic obsession, and one has to worry about Chris’ two divorces (of course, sh*t happens).  In Season Three of their eponymous show, Chris basically emotionally blackmailed his 24-year-old bride into getting pregnant.  I root for them, but I just don’t know.

8. Audrina and Justin-Bobby, The Hills.  She’s a dumb dumb dumby record admin with a huge tatt on her neck and crappy friends.  He’s a greasy hairdresser who looks like what could have happened to Joshua Jackson if he had a meth addiction for 8 years and rolled around in toxic waste for another two.  They both dress like fools, drink like fish, and cruise around on motorcycles, aimlessly.  Still, A’s sweet and means well and probably deserves better.

9. Wes and Johanna, Real World: Austin.  Speaking of “deserving better.”  Oh my lambs.  Wes is a pasty, self-aggrandizing  turd of an alleged human being.  He would have contests with men far superior to him as to how many numbers they could acquire, how much overall “game” they could pull.  But then he decided his clear vibes of lust were coming from inside the house, turning to gorgeous but obviously mentally flawed housemate Johanna.  I mean, for God’s sake, look at this picture.  They have subsequently broken up, and in February of this year Johanna competed in the Miss Universe pageant.  Cheers.

10. Stephen and Kristin, Laguna Beach.  Okay, so these two were just spoiled rich high-school kids.  But their relationship was decidedly icky.  Stephen was crazy obsessed with Kristin, way more than a high-school boy should ever be.  And Kristin was clearly in it just to make Lauren “LC” Conrad jealous.  LC got a hit show, Kristin is totally off the grid.   Stephen dated Hayden Panettiere for five seconds.  Take THAT, mean girl!

Rob and Amber forever,

Lucy Glib